Sunday, February 5, 2012

Faking it... not the answer.

So it’s been an interesting week.  We have two more weeks here in the UK which means two more weeks to visit everywhere in London that I love and will not get to see again very soon.  So I think this week will be the week of museums and parks.  And photos.  I’ve been pretty heavily into taking photography again which is a nice change.  I find that when I get into the mood for taking pictures and focus on that I tend to see the world a bit differently.  I frame everything though lenses even if I am not currently looking through one.  I suppose it’s the same with everything, when I am more heavily in a drawing or painting phase I see things more that way, in terms of compositions and lines.

We are headed back to California after this city which will be nice in terms of a weather change.  It’s a bit cold and gray here and I am excited to have some more sunshine and some more colors in my day.  London is great but let’s be honest, London is it’s best in the spring and summertime.  I still do like it here though, perhaps more than most.  The lack of sunshine doesn’t seem to bother me as much as it does my coworkers.  I actually quite like the light quality here.  It’s so far north… and so gray in the winter, that when the sun does shine you get this really interesting sideways slanting light that I actually think is quite moody and nice. 

So yeah, I have had a lot of thoughts and ideas and things floating around my head this week.  There are so many things that I would like to do sometimes it’s hard to decide!  And sometimes I get really overwhelmed thinking about it all!

I have this thing where I get anxiety attacks on a semi regular basis.  I say semi regular… it used to be regular.  But it’s something I am working on.  It’s not s much a control thing.  It’s a letting go thing.  I know that sounds like the same thing right?  But it isn’t… I am fine not being in control but sometimes I am so worried that I will not land on my feet, I find it hard to take that step and let go.  I am not sure where this comes from, I have pretty much always landed on my feet.  And when I haven’t, there have always been pretty awesome people to help me back to my feet.  But I think I have only needed that kind of help maybe twice?

So generally I do well and make it up as I go along.  And it all works out.  I’ve jumped on planes before to go to school randomly or to work in random places and taken chances… and I have never regretted any of them.  Why does this decision make me nervous?  I suppose because for so long I saw this as such an ideal job.  I thought that CDS was for sure the best of the best and exactly what I wanted to do, so the idea of walking away does feel kind of weird.  It’s like an inevitable breakup is around the corner and I feel like I should preserve the relationship even though it just doesn’t fit. 

It’s like dating this larger than life person who (forgive me) perhaps thinks he is a bit more important and a bit cooler than he actually is.  But he really really really wants me to be happy.  And I know that he's a good guy.  So I have been faking it!  But let’s be honest…. Faking it is NEVER a good option is it?  So why should I do it here?

So yeah… that’s about how I feel at the moment and for those of you questioning my reasoning for leaving such a stellar job… there you have it... a lackluster relationship for this hopeless romantic of a girl. 

Til next time!



PS It's snowing in London.  Snow everywhere and we had a very interesting time trying to get home last night!  Snowy photos and musings to come in the next one. 

PPS thanks for all your comments about what I should do and emails as well!  It made me feel super loved.  Miss you all. Real time!

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