Worrysome worries.

Let's talk about anxiety for a minute....


I read in an article the other day a study that said that scientists have located a gene that determines whether you are a born worrier or not.  What this means in practice is that if you are not a born worrier you have nothing to worry about (though of course you wouldn't be worrying anyway), whereas if you are a worrier by nature there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, so you may as well stop worrying, except of course you can't. 

 Point is... I am.  I have always worried about things, though when I was younger they tended to be about different things then they are now.  But now I worry about things all the time.  I worry about my relationships with people, about my job, my family etc etc...

On one hand... I'm working on it.  I try to not sweat the small stuff as much and let go of more things when I can.  But on the other hand I feel like on some level it's part of what allows me to be good friends with people.  It means that my attention to detail when it comes to friendships is very high because I am generally always concerned with how YOU are feeling.  It also means that I get my heart hurt a lot because I tend to be very open.  But that's ok as well. I just care about my friends.  So when friendships inevitably dissolve or change or whatever…. I always question my involvement in that more than I probably should.  I’m working on not caring quite so much.  See, even writing that sounds bitchy to me.  But I know that I should care less about what people think and sometimes how they feel.  And that I can’t base my actions on theirs…. But that’s something that’s hard for me.

Anyway... I sometimes get frustrated when others make light of my inability to make decisions or my yearning to talk it all out.... “Just make a decision already!” or “I don’t know why you worry about this that or the other,” I know I know I know.  Truth is I don’t know how YOU DON’T.  But I try and brush I off and let it go because it’s easy for them.  Easier anyway…

So, this week has been quite anxiety inducing!  It looks like I will be leaving the circus this summer for real and making a go at it doing something else. 

So I feel like a chapter of my life is ending and I am just not sure yet where the next one will begin.  But I know I'll land on my feet eventually.  The first step is leaving and deciding to take some time to do some things for me. 

So yeah, I have a few months left.  Trying to process and plan.  More to come as it comes.

My last post was a month ago!  Whoops.... sometimes always time slips through my fingers!

Since that last one though here is what you missed:  Settled down in San Jose, trips around the world and back, and new projects and adventures.

San Jose is good.  It seems really quiet which to be honest is kind of a welcome change from the organized chaos that London ended up being.  I had a great time in London but my hours were high work wise and with an hour plus commute each way... to be honest most of the trip is a blur of tube stops and coffee breaks and time spent in the basement of the Royal Albert Hall!

So SJ is fine.  I'll admit, it's slightly boring.... but there are certainly worse places to hang out in for a few months.  Lots of bike riding, lots of running, lots of cooking... So it's been a nice break.  And yes, per usual lots of working.  Always lots of working.  That's a constant!

About 2 weeks ago I made the trip back to Macau and HK.
It was a bit of an adventure to get there, but once in Macau it was super nice to see everyone and hang out.  The weather had been royally poop for the three weeks prior to my arrival and that didn't really change.  Basically living in a cloud were you can't see the building across the street.

So I was in Macau for 4 days and spent the time just catching up with friends and hearing about the end of the show there.  Finding out where everyone was going etc.  Pleased to report that most everyones attitudes were better than I had expected and everyone was pretty upbeat and hopeful about eveything coming up.

Then I spent 4 days in Honkers which was fun as well.  I had a few parties to go to but mostly just people to catch up with.  I was there for St Pattys so we had a fun night out with the Macau crew that came over that surprisingly didn't end that messily (at least for me!)

I had one day completely free with nobody to hang out with and nothing to do so I spent some time in quiet contemplation writing and thinking about if I could make a home there and what kind of life that would be and if that is the city that I want to try and go it alone in.

I feel like I have been such a part of these weird communities for so long... since school at rada really it warps my perception.  RADA was 6 days a week often 12 hours a day for two years and we were so intertwined there.  From there, to NC, to Macau, and now here... I have been working in environments that kind of force your interactions to center around work just by way of the job.  SO the idea of moving to a brand new (kinda new) place where a job is just a job and basically doing it pretty blind, and trying to find a group of friends and community and being ok all alone again.  Is both daunting and exciting.  

My brother tells me not to worry.  That whether I  know it or not, I'm a people person, and that I have friends everywhere I just haven't met them yet.

Anyway, that turned into a bit of a ramble...

Exciting projects starting TONIGHT.... yes.  But still top secret.  More to be revealed soon.  And I promise I will not make you wait a month til next time.

xoxo

K

Transfer complete

When last we spoke I was in London.  I am now back in sunny CA.  And yeah, it's been crazy sunny and hot for FEB!  It doesn't make for incredibly ideal outdoor working conditions to be outside.  A few sunburnt and dehydrated days later, and set up is almost complete.  The tent is up, the stage is built, and most of the props are in.  Good job!

It's hard work though!  Especially for someone who doesn't like packing.  I hate packing, and I hate unpacking.  Remind me why I decided this was a good idea?


But things have been ok.  I feel like I ave been in my head a lot lately.  Which is maybe why I have not been so present here.  I shall do my best to work on that but all is well and I am fine.


xoxo

k

In the end....

A few days ago we found out that ZAiA, the Cirque du Soleil show in Macau, is closing.

For those Zaians reading this, know we are all thinking of you here on Totem and wishing you the best.

The decision was made very quickly and the guys and gals in Macau now find themselves with about 2 weeks to gather up their lives and move on. 

I am a bit heartbroken for all my friends who are suddenly finding themselves jobless.  I know that everyone will find something to do though.  

Macau had it's ups and downs to be sure, but I am absolutely glad that I had a chance to be part of such a unique family for a few years. 

I think looking back at the stories all of can share about living in Macau... if we were to share most of them.  People would think we were lying.  To date I have not been to a more unusual place.  As slummy as it can be there is something quite charming about it as well. And the stories oh the stories.... paying for cabs with magical crystals, riding statues, blind bowling.  And the canoe.... oh the life canoe.  

Most of the people I know who have left all get occasional Macau sickness where we yearn to go back if only for a day or two.  

It's all been said.  It's a shitty situation and I hope that everyone lands on their feet.

On a totally personal selfish front, I am sad because you all will not be closer to HK if that's where I end up.  Was so looking forward to hanging out with that group. 

Love love love to you all. 

xoxox

K

Faking it... not the answer.

So it’s been an interesting week.  We have two more weeks here in the UK which means two more weeks to visit everywhere in London that I love and will not get to see again very soon.  So I think this week will be the week of museums and parks.  And photos.  I’ve been pretty heavily into taking photography again which is a nice change.  I find that when I get into the mood for taking pictures and focus on that I tend to see the world a bit differently.  I frame everything though lenses even if I am not currently looking through one.  I suppose it’s the same with everything, when I am more heavily in a drawing or painting phase I see things more that way, in terms of compositions and lines.


We are headed back to California after this city which will be nice in terms of a weather change.  It’s a bit cold and gray here and I am excited to have some more sunshine and some more colors in my day.  London is great but let’s be honest, London is it’s best in the spring and summertime.  I still do like it here though, perhaps more than most.  The lack of sunshine doesn’t seem to bother me as much as it does my coworkers.  I actually quite like the light quality here.  It’s so far north… and so gray in the winter, that when the sun does shine you get this really interesting sideways slanting light that I actually think is quite moody and nice. 


So yeah, I have had a lot of thoughts and ideas and things floating around my head this week.  There are so many things that I would like to do sometimes it’s hard to decide!  And sometimes I get really overwhelmed thinking about it all!


I have this thing where I get anxiety attacks on a semi regular basis.  I say semi regular… it used to be regular.  But it’s something I am working on.  It’s not s much a control thing.  It’s a letting go thing.  I know that sounds like the same thing right?  But it isn’t… I am fine not being in control but sometimes I am so worried that I will not land on my feet, I find it hard to take that step and let go.  I am not sure where this comes from, I have pretty much always landed on my feet.  And when I haven’t, there have always been pretty awesome people to help me back to my feet.  But I think I have only needed that kind of help maybe twice?


So generally I do well and make it up as I go along.  And it all works out.  I’ve jumped on planes before to go to school randomly or to work in random places and taken chances… and I have never regretted any of them.  Why does this decision make me nervous?  I suppose because for so long I saw this as such an ideal job.  I thought that CDS was for sure the best of the best and exactly what I wanted to do, so the idea of walking away does feel kind of weird.  It’s like an inevitable breakup is around the corner and I feel like I should preserve the relationship even though it just doesn’t fit. 


It’s like dating this larger than life person who (forgive me) perhaps thinks he is a bit more important and a bit cooler than he actually is.  But he really really really wants me to be happy.  And I know that he's a good guy.  So I have been faking it!  But let’s be honest…. Faking it is NEVER a good option is it?  So why should I do it here?


So yeah… that’s about how I feel at the moment and for those of you questioning my reasoning for leaving such a stellar job… there you have it... a lackluster relationship for this hopeless romantic of a girl. 


Til next time!




xoxo


K




PS It's snowing in London.  Snow everywhere and we had a very interesting time trying to get home last night!  Snowy photos and musings to come in the next one. 


PPS thanks for all your comments about what I should do and emails as well!  It made me feel super loved.  Miss you all. Real time!