Monday, April 28, 2014

Last day off in Portland... and fixing your face

Last day off in Portland!  HappySad!

Portland has been fun, lots of great people, coffee, tea, sites etc.  I also got the chance to go to visit my aunt and uncles lovely farm on the Columbia River Gorge.

The view from the garden

Dinner anyone?
What a treat!

For me, in a lot of ways, Portland has felt like a healing city.

I read this article recently about how sometimes, in order to heal, we first need to bleed... and that sometimes we put emotional bandaids on things that haven't yet had the chance to do so, and then we remain stuck with these unhealed things going on.

This really resonated with me for a couple of reasons.  So I have been trying, in my own way, to deal with those things over the past couple of months.  It's hard, and sometimes it seems like I feel worse instead of better.  But I am hoping that is some of the process.

In other news... let's talk about something superficial.  My face. 

I just have one of those faces... one of the ones that looks angry/grumpy/bitchy when at rest.  Yes it's true.  And although 98% of the time I am in a fine and dandy mood, aparently my face says otherwise.  This has been brought to my attention in a major way.  My big boss tends to think I am never ok, and has taken to ask my boss if I am indeed 'ok' or 'happy' at work.  Random strangers tell me on the street on my way to yoga class to 'Smile, it's not so bad,' and it even came up in a recent job review.  And just last week when asked how I was doing and I replied, "I'm good thanks," I was met with a, "Well you should tell your face that because that's not what it's saying."

This isn't new.  I have had my face for... well my whole life.  But recently I think I have started to develop a complex about it.  If I am not smiling and perky people tend to think that there is something wrong. And then I have to field questions about the state of my face vs my personality.  So what's a girl to do?  I am starting to hate it.  Not my face, I like my face.... but I certainly don't like the line of questions that come with it.

Which leads me to wonder why now?  Do I look bitchier than normal at the moment?  Is it a sign that I am indeed unhappy with my current life choices?  Am I alienating people with every accidental stink eye?

Suddenly instead of worrying about the size of my thighs, or the choice of dress, now I have a whole new set of worries and how I am projecting myself.

Hrmmmm.... I don't like offending people... And I am really trying not to.... I guess for this week I will have to try harder!

Also I bought a hat.
OK I am off to enjoy the sunshine in Portland for this last day off!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Hello hello hello


It's been a while. 

Nice to see you.

I will not apologize for my absence, I had some stuff that I had to do. 

I will update you on that stuff in.... one... two... three... GO

So when last we spoke I was happy healthy and working in the woods.  Living it, loving it, all those fun things.

I am still mostly happy, healthy, living and loving... but I am back with the circus. 

Say whhhhatt? Yes it's true!

Basically a coworker who I worked with here at Totem left and they called me to fill her spot.  So after taking almost a year away from the circus, I am back again. 

It's the same show, with mostly the same people.  Although I have to admit that most of my best friends have since left the tour, so I have to reinvent myself a bit as well and find my own way... again.  One of the reasons why I have been absent here is I have been trying to process that and figure out how to do just that. 

At the moment we are in Portland.  It's very pretty and loely here and the people are kind for the most part and we have been received very warmly.  It's a nice change from LA where we were before in my personal opinion. 

The crew has been changing a lot, many people leaving, many people coming in.  That in itself is an interesting thing.... with a few people coming and going the whole dynamic at work shifts and changes.  It is easy to get discouraged and down about the fact that things are different, but they are not necessairly bad, it's just a change.

We are also getting ready to move abroad.  We will be heading to Vancouver in a few weeks and then we go to New Zealand and then Australia.  And with those shifts many more people will come and go... because that is the nature of international transfers.

It leaves me thinking a lot about what is next for me... what am I doing?  Where will I go next?  But then I remind myself to try and stay in the moment and in the present.  And to just try and do my best. 

And to try and update this here blog more... cause I know I miss it.  And maybe you do too.