Back in North America

Hey y'all.  I'm back in N. America... on my way back to Atlanta.

Much has happened since Jesus..... september?  Damn I have goten bad about writing.  But writing in general, not specifically blogging, is part of a... not New Years resolution... cause I think they are shit, but part of a goal I am setting for myself.  I really do like writing, letters, blogs, emails.  In a way, writing has always been my preferred form of communication.  I can be clearer with my thoughts.

Sooo... I just got back from Asia.  I had two weeks holiday to use and some things to do in Hong Kong.  So I went to Hong Kong and Thailand and sat on the beach and thought about things.

See... my contract is up with the circus at the end of Jan.  Yeah.  So I am officially out of work at the end of Jan.  In some ways I am super excited about it and I'm glad in a way that I'll be forced to go do something else and have new experiences.  So I am loosely coming up with some kind of plan now... but yeah keeping it loose.

So I went back to Hong Kong.  And I will write more about this next time perhaps.

But basically I was shocked and surprised as to how I felt about returning.  Basically I returned to this city which I loved... loved so much I really worked towards making it feasible for me to return to live...  So I went to HK this city I adored filled with people I loved.  And I found this... empty place?  Where I thought all the love was?  I don't know I really really used to love this place.  And now to feel nothing.  It's like waking up next to someone you have been with for a while who you love and going... what the hell...

Yeah... but then I left and sat on the beach for a week and now I feel better about it.  My relationships with that city have changed I guess... it doesn't feel like a potential home.

Don't get me wrong.  Hong Kong is one of my favorite cities in the world.  And actually as I was sitting on a friend's terrace my last night there drinking a beer and sharing some laughs before getting some thai street food... I thought yeah, this could be a home of sorts.  But at this present moment... I would have to work too hard to be happy I think.  And not that I am not into working hard.... but I have been working pretty hard to be happy for a while.  And I am ready for things to be a bit easier.

More on this later.  I am in the Toronto airport at the moment and beyond exhausted with a 3 hour flight and about 50 hour work week in front of me.  Yikes.

Sick.... Gross

Hey kids.

I'm sick.  I seem to have caught this moster cold that just makes me feel fluish and icky and gross.  I've basically spent the past 2 days in bed drinking tons of juice and trying to sort it to no avail.  Bleh. 


Not a lot has gone on this week!  I cut and bleached my hair...

 So that's fun!  I was tired.... and decided to go back to being blonde again.  I kind of missed it.  So... yeah.  It was funny to show up at work today because not many people here have seen me blonde before.... so they wee a bit shocked!  And the cut is awesome... similar to the last time I got it done but shorter on the sides because I think in some attempt to regain some youth I have really enjoyed being a bit punkier and wearing a kind of fauxhawk.  Who the hell am I?

 But see it's not so different to how my hair was last year at least in color... This was taken on my 29th birthday when we took a collective trip to Fun Ice World.  Because... that existed.


Other than that.... I have been reading a lot.  And writing a fair amount.  And really enjoying it.  Remember the good old days... back when shit was real?  When I thought I wanted to be a writer or an editor?  Yeah.  Well I don't want that anymore but I do really enjoy writing and reading and reading about writing and writing about reading.

There is something deeply satisfying about sitting down and really expressing myself clearly on paper. Or e-paper?  anyway... I have been playing with some short story ideas and working on a few concepts.  For nothing but my own enjoyment.  And I like it. 

I'm also working on Christmas gifts.  Look at me so forward thinking!  But art is usually a great gift but it takes time.  So trying to finish that up for everyone. 


And... thats about it.  Trying to plan for holidays.  Not so much for Berlin.  But to go back to Asia.  Ill be in HK for a few days and then in Burma... and then back in HK.  More to come on that!!


Miss you love you.


xoxo

On getting old and stuff.

Yesterday I was at work and a girl I used to know came to see the show.  She was my coach in high school.  And I realized that the last time I saw her was 12 years ago… And then I thought… damn I’m a real life adult now.  When the hell did that happen?

This also coinsides with the fact that I joined the company’s 401k this week and got a real life financial advisor.  

Both of these things are things that I have been meaning to do for a while now but just got around to doing it this week. I don’t know how long I will be with the company but it makes sense to go ahead and join the 401k.  It’s basically free money… And then as far as the advisor…. I just don’t know what to do with finiances.

I work for a job that pays me well.  And I am debt free.  Whoo hoo that in itself I am thankful for.  But what am I supposed to do?  I know that it shouldn’t be sitting in a savings account.  So I thought I would do the responsible thing and talk to someone who can help me.  So here I am setting up an IRA and choosing investment options…. And bleh it’s so important and so boring at the same time.

In other news I leave for Berlin in 13 days!  Which is totally on the other side of this whole adult coin!  Because I am going to Berlin to have a good time, take some photos, be in some photos, and get a tattoo.   So while on one hand I am putting on my serious glasses and signing IRA paperwork… on the other hand I am putting pink and purple in my hair and getting all funky to go and take some amazing pictures with a friend who is working in Berlin and who chose me (honored!) to model some of her jewlrey.  Too fun!  So I guess… life isn’t soooo serious.  I just know that in the future I will probably have a job that pays much less than my current job so I should probably do what I can to have my money work for me both now and then… ya know?

And speaking of holidays…. I am going on leave in 60 days.  And I am headed back for another Asia trip!  Many fun things are bound to happen including photos taken on top of buildings, and on top of boats, crazy space age makeup, and general Hong Kong nonsense…. And in the middle of all of that I am planning a trip to Burma!  More to come on this… I am making the plans now and trying to map out exactly what I am doing.  But I am excited.

The moral of the story is that…. I’m busy.  But its good. 

And I miss you guys!

Xoxo

Songs for before...

 Hello world.  I was sitting on the metro today and I swear... when I am in public I really try not to overhear everything that everyone else is saying.... but sometimes I can't help it.  Anyway I'm sitting on the metro heading to the Smithsonian and these two women behind me start talking about how one of them is making an album... or something to that effect.  The kind of punkier one said to the other that all of the songs titles were things that she had always wanted to tell her ex boyfriends.  Fascinating no?  I really tried to stop listening in at about this point but not before she said that the first title would be "Shut up Already." Ha.

As I walked around the various exhibits I thought if I could create an album to the same effect... what would be on it. 
 
And the answer is nothing too bad...  I have stayed friends with all my exes for the most part bar one or two...  But I did think it was a funny story and I would totally buy the album just to listen to it the next time I'm a bit heartbroken and in that fuck you kind of mood. 



Aaaannnnyyyway.....


Hi.  I'm back. 

Yeah... I've been absent for a while.

I've been busy... and absorbed in my own thoughts probably to a point that I just couldn't really share any of them.

I am still not sure how much of them I can share.  Just kind of in a bit of a weird place and trying to figure some stuff out.... more to come on that without pouring my heart out and geting all emo kid on you guys!

So instead I just wanted to share a heap of photos... mostly instagram photos. Of what has been going on here in DC.  I've been here for about 5 weeks now.... living out of a hotel for 5 weeks is new for me... and yikes.

I am off on Thursday and other than maybe a coffee date... I am free.  So I will talk to you all soon.


xoxo

Top row: My hair.... before and after getting it cut.  Dan and Trish enjoying some lethal rum punch after work at a BBQ. A beautiful butterfly I found at the Natural History Museum.  Boots and Awesome sculpture!  And Museum signs.

Middle Row: The hurricane came to the circus!  And we had to cancel a show!  After we already sat the audience!!!  The natural History Museum.  My LEGS... knitting and knee highs!  The Space museum.

Bottom Row: Wolftrap... what an amazing place.  Before Watchmen... super good.  Luke and the light up bowl.  Ohhhh ahhh.  My lips...... I've been obsessed with orange lately! 

Holiday Plans

Sometimes I find planning holidays so hard.  Just because I want to do everything and I want to see everything!


I am headed to Berlin in October for a week which will be fun.

And then I have two weeks off in November/December!

Well... kind of....

See the thing is that at the start and end of that trip I must be in Hong Kong for some super secret spy training and whatnots.  But I have a week off in the middle.  And there are just so many ideas and choices!!!


The two top front runners at the moment are Borneo vs Burma.  I have been to Borneo before but when I went I stayed in the NE part in Kota Kinabalu and I want to go to the SW part in the jungles with nothing but nature and monkeys and explore that.

Burma is interesting because it's just opening up really.  You have to be careful about how you spend your money so that you are not giving all your cash to the gov't.  But it can totally be done.  Right now though... Just trying to plan it out to give me the most for my time.

But on the horizon is Berlin!  Yeah!!!  So excited.   Like 30 sleeps til Berlin and 80 til Hong Kong.


Lets go!

So I have been in DC for a short while and tried to settle a bit.   However I think when living in a hotel one can only settle so much... because you're in a hotel and the windows don't open and the area you are living in is way less than 'homey'.

I have had a day off where I was pretty tired from set up but did some site seeing etc.

Trying to save lots of money this city since I will be in Berlin after this.  But so many amazing museums!

So while in Berlin I am also doing a photoshoot with some ppl which is making me kind of nervous.... I just don't want to feel uncomfortable with myself at all.  So to get ready for that I have been hitting the gym and trying to be conscious for the most part.  Yesterday I totally overdid it however.... my hip flexors are so sore walking is.... an effort.  Yuck!  So here's hoping that subsides.

And all this week so far I have been busy doing trainings for work which has been boring but necessary I suppose.   So back to finish that up and then to today's show.

So yeah, sorry it's been brief.  But yes, I am alive and well.... just busy as always.

xoxo

Welcome to DC!

Well I made it! 

Today was Day 1 of set up.  And it was brutal!!!

Not the work so much, it was the same as usual.  But it was about 90 out today so that just takes all the energy out of you! 

There was a problem with one of the motors so they couldn't put the big top masts up today which was a bit of a bummer because it means that my call time will be moved from 1pm to 10am tomorrow.  But 'll make it!

This city is unique to me because we are staying in hotels instead of in apartments.  I know I know you think that must be bad right?  Actually so far I am really liking it!

We are in the residence inn which means that I have a little living area and a kitchen with a full sized fridge and a 2top burner.  So it's kind of a like a little studio apartment and I like it!  I mean I could do without the whole living in a hotel and seeing people I work with constantly.  But I love having a little space that is just mine.  And I can listen to my music and walk around in my underwear without anyone caring!

Anyway.  This week is very busy and I will write again soon once I can actually do something interesting.  Just trying to stay cool, stay hydrated, and stay sane in the heat!  Tempers tend to run shorter in the heat.... so let's all just hang in there!

Final weekend in Boston

I had a super nice long weekend in Boston.  It was the last one so I am glad that it went well!  I have to say... I was mildly skeptical about loving this city.... and I don't think that it is a place I would ever really like to live, but visiting and staying for a summer has been super fun. 

So I am in the middle of packing up all my stuff.... for people not on tour, can you imagine all of your belongings fitting into three bags?  Yep, all of them.  And then each city I unpack everything and try to make whatever place I am staying be it a hotel or an apartment feel a bit more.... homey.  For me, that means having fabric covering most flat surfaces, having a candle burning, and having art stuff out.  But it's a balance between the ease of packing and 'having stuff'.  In DC we will be staying in a Residence Inn which basically means a little studio appt.  So maybe I will show you what my living space looks like.

So... what I did this weekend.  On Monday Dave and JoAnn and I walked around Boston.  We went to go get lunch and then walked loads through the commons and through the public gardens to get frozen yogurt.

Then on Tuesday after my barre class JoAnn picked me up and we went for a little drive that had us ending up at a really beautiful sculpture garden and then we went to Walden Pond.  I felt like I was back in North Carolina.  What a beautiful place!  The pond (I would call it a lake) was clear and so warm.  We were inspired and stripped and went swimming for a while before it started raining and the sun went down so we got cold.

Being in very beautiful natural places makes me very happy.  It's a weird thing sometimes because being in big cities also makes me happy and those things don't really go together at all.  I have often wondered how I will find peace between those needs.... the need to be somewhere naturally beautiful and the need to be somewhere big with things going on.

I am not sure yet....  the quest continues.

OK I have to pack... must must must!!!

 We also went to this super cute farm and community gardens where I met a cute goat and saw loads of beautiful flowers.

Kishi Bashi and Tall Tall trees

So last night I had the immense pleasure of going to see Kishi Bashi.  So amazing.  Seriously this guy blows my mind.

His music makes me so happy.  And he is just so incredibly talented it's unreal.


Anyway here is the story:

We got to The Great Scott where the bands were playing at about 9:30 and the first opening band was on.  It's a great venue in Boston and kind of small and intimate but still holding a good number of people.  We set up camp kind of farther back had a couple of drinks and watched some of the swimming as the music played.

After a while some ppl from the circus came and joined us.  Josh, our guitar player came with his wife, and Umi one of our acrobats from Japan came as well.  At this point they were actually sold out but turns out Josh used to live with the guy in Tall Tall Trees (opening band #2) so they got in!  So we are sitting around having a drink and whatnot and we see this older Japanese guy kind of sitting in the corner.  Umi goes up and starts talking to him and lo and behold it's K Ishibashi's dad!  So he comes over and starts chatting with us.  He lives in VA now but was born and grew up in Okinawa.  So I had this kind of surreal moment of talking to him about that.  And then he asked my name and when I said Keiko he was super surprised.  K's wife is also called Keiko but you don't run into many blue eyed Keiko's.

Anyway back to the point.  Tall Tall Trees was awesome.  He played the banjo and I kid you not this guy is amazing!!  Such good energy and I bet he sounds amazing recorded.. I can't wait to find out!  Just so..... good.

Then Kishi Bashi took the stage and it was nothing short of one of the best shows I have ever seen.  Just super amazing music played by one man.

Without sounding super cheesy... the sense of having music washed over you.... was fantastic.  He covered a Beirut cover as well that was just amazing.  I literally can not say enough good things.

I've put some of his music below but he is even better live.  Please go support this guy and if he is playing in your area go see him.

His music just makes me so happy.  Literally impossible for me to frown if I hear it.  On my ipod for whenever I am having a bad day.  OK ok enough gushing!





This is my last weekend in Boston and I have three days off.  I am spending the rest of this morning packing and then have some errands to do so that hopefully I can enjoy the last two days here before the madness of moving and then DC!

xoxo
K

Kishi Bashi

Just the quickest of posts to say that tomorrow night... well actually tonight.... I will be going to go see Kishi Bashi.  His real name is K Ishibashi.  He is freaking amazing and I am sto glad that I looked up and saw that he was playing here in Boston tomorrow.  I would highly encourage you to check out his music.  It's great summer stuff! And it just makes me happy.

Please just listen to this one and see what you think.


And if you liked that here is him playing live at the NPR studios.



AND THE BEST PART????   The tickets were only $10!!!!!!!


I love music. 


Gotta go to bed.

xoxo

k

Bowaston and Brooklyn

 Hello hello hello!  Sorry sorry sorry!  AGAIN!  I have been busy wrapping things up in Boston!  We are here for about a week and a half longer and though I have a bunch of friends in the DC area I will miss Boston and I am not totally excited to go to DC.  HOWEVER.. I do have some fantastic friends in DC so that should be epic and fun.  I have just had a good time here and Boston was a good place to spend the summer. 


I took this picture while having dinner the other night.  No edits... just a pretty sunset.

And then I went to NYC last week to catch up with some friends from Macau of all places.  There were a few people visiting and a lot of people working and it turned into a mini reunion.  So fun.  3 of stayed at my friend Dave's.  He is working on the Cirque show at Radio City and his place is STUNNING!  The most amazing views!  Anyway he has a one bedroom place and Emily and I shared the bed and Dave and Andrew  shared the couch.  Maybe a bit tight but we all made it work.  So lovely to catch up with people!  I actually went to Brooklyn to get a tattoo by the lovely Seth Wood at Saved Tattoo.  He's awesome, and super nice!  Their studio space is really lovely and literally everythng that I saw that was being worked on or was coming out of the shop was lovely!

 See?  He's a dapper fox!  This is right after, I will try and remember to post some photos in another week or so once it's completely healed.  But yeah.  Those purple colors are not really there, just the light blue.  Bruising, yuck!

Anyway after talking to Seth and seeing the size etc I was expecting to be there for a while.  But he is super quick!  This whole thing took just over 2.5 hours.  My appt was at noon, and after some resketching, resizing, more resizing, tattooing photos etc and clean up... I was leaving completely done at 3:30.  I was amazed.  

In other news Boston has been super hot and I have been doing lots of sanding which means I look something like this:

 I will try and do another post from Boston and then one as soon as I get to DC. 


xoxo

K.

Turning 30!

Yeah so that happened!  I will post some photos soon once I hook up my camera etc.

But I had a nice time with friends.  Celebrations started on Sunday with an after work BBQ (not for me but because Sunday the 24th was Jean-Baptiste Day so all the Quebec'ers were happy).  So we had a BBQ and then went to a bar in cambridge.  Super nice place with super friendly bar tenders who were.... rather liberal in their pours.  To the result of a kind of amazing evening with a rather tender head the next day.  

 

My actual birthday started with a rainy morning and some friends and I went to this place called Blunch for uh... Brunch?  Anyway.  It's a pretty awesome sandwich shop.  This isn't mine, I'm still not eating meat!   But they were all pretty awesome sandwiches and absolutely helped with the headaches felt by all! !






For dinner some of my best friends and I went to dinner.  We decided to get all dressed up because we rarely get the chance to do so.  
So we got all fancied up and headed to Uni.  A super post sashimi bar. So... I am not eating meat I did however eat fish this evening.... I mean... it was by birthday judge away.  So the food was awesomely amazing.  However it was a bit hoity toity for my liking if I am honest.  Like I said the food was amazing.  But.... it was also amazingly slow.  The whole restaurant seats about 25 people.  And I would say 90% of the food is raw. So I just think that for 5 people to eat and it takes 3.5 hours is maybe a bit much?  


But who am I to judge.  In the end the food was really good and as I am sure you can see from a few pictures it was beautiful.  But we were supposed to meet some people at the bar afterwards and to say that we were a bit late is an understatement.  Our dinner reservations were for 7:30 and we made it to the bar at about 11:15.  So... yeah it was a lengthy process.  But it was had in excellent company so that was great!  Maybe next time we will just stick with a bit less fancy food. 

This was the dessert by the way and it was pretty incredible.  Coconut ice cream, mango sorbet thing.... chocolate pieces..... it was yum.














Ok so in other news.... I am doing well!  I found out that I have two weeks holiday so I need to get on planning that.  Maybe South America.... maybe somewhere else in Asia I have not been?  I don't know yet.  Something awesome though for sure!  


Mainly I have been trying to be positive and surround myself with positive people.  I know it sounds cheesy but I realized that a few of my friends were (as my brother put it) a hole that was sucking up some of the fun.  And it's kind of true.  Introspection is good, but too much isn't and at some point you need to just live life and stop worrying about it.  I am working on doing this but when I have people around me who can not do that either it tends to bring me down.  It sucks because I do care about them and I want everything to go well for them but at the same time you can only try and be supportive for so long.  


Rant rant.  Anyway.  I am good.  I have been working out a lot lately which makes me feel good about myself and about life and I am enjoying work because I am getting to learn new things at the moment.  So all is well happy birthday to me.  Lets hope for a good year! 

Quickets of updates

Not too much to report at the moment.  Just trying to settle into Boston which it seems, is a pretty nice city!

Last week I saw ‘Moonrise Kingdom,’ the new Wes Anderson film, here near Boston Commons.  I really loved it.  I know his movies are not everyone’s cup of tea.  But I really love how stylized they are and how everything is so planned out.  It’s like a picture book.  Every detail in place and every detail thought out.  Much of the movie is actually pretty quiet with little to no dialogue. 

I like all of the quirky details and I like that all of the books have titles and I like that you can watch his movies over and over again and pick out different things. 

And I like that he went to UT.  Yeah!

What else have I done this week?  I started taking a barre class.  It’s kind of a mixture of yoga, pilates, and ballet.  And it’s super hard!  I am enjoying it though and it is so nice to have something besides work to schedule my life around.  If I continue to enjoy it there is another studio in DC.

And I had a life chat with my boss yesterday.  And I agreed with him to stay on the tour for now.  There have been many departmental reorganizations as of late.  My boss left and we got a new boss, we hired a third person and then he got transferred to another department.  So at the moment it’s just the two of us.  

So… yeah.  And I feel like I am selling out by staying for a while!  I do I do I do.  But here is the upside of staying:  We are about to be closer to my home which is nice because it means that I can go home for the weekend.  I am finishing another class so I can be completely certified.  And yeah, it’s super easy to save some money.  PLUS this show is only stateside until about Feb 2013 and then it goes to Canada.  At the moment I have no interest in going there with it.  So there is a departure date set already it seems. 

So yeah meanwhile I have some tickets to Russia to figure out and some vacation time to use.  But all in time all in time. 

Also… it’s my birthday next week which means I am turning 30!  Holy shit how did that happen?  How scary is that?  Not so scary and super scary at the same time.  When I get all emo I start thinking about how I am 30 and yeah, completely lost.  And how most of my friends are married with kids and “lives”.  A buddy of mine turned to me the other day and said, so do you think with people like us…. We will just be alone forever?  OUCH!  I would hope not.  But yeah probably.  Not that it’s a horrible thing.  I just never thought about it like that.  I don’t want to start a rant about marriage and kids… I will save it for next time. 

Anyway…. Ramble ramble ramble.  Gotta run and do super important circus business.  More soon.

Xoxo

K

Boston... again

See look at that... two posts in one week.  I'm getting better.  Not a whole lot to report but I will do it from a photo... what's on my phone kind of thing for ya!

 

After a super long set up a beer was most welcome.  This is actually Nate's but I thought he could use a happy face. 

I have had a few questions about some things that I do on a daily basis... this is what I did this morning!  So you take this chemistry lab rack thing.... that has lots of pyrex on it.  Then you break apart about 40 highlighters of various colors.  Then you color the water!  Highlighters actually work the best!  Better than UV dye better than powder pigments!  And then it glows super super well under UV light!  How bout that!!!!  These are actually played as a musical instrument during one part of the show.  So they are all tuned with different amounts of water and then he plays them with a bow, and little sticks that he hits against them like drums.  kinda cool right?

 

So yesterday I went to this ice cream festival charity event.... You pay $10 for entry and then you eat as much ice cream as you can/want.  There were about 10 stands set up from differnt dairies.  Everything from Ben and Jerry's to local mom and pop shops.  Each stand has about 3 different scoops.... so yeah.... I tasted about 30 flavors of ice cream!   I was just taking bites of most of them but my buddy I went with was eating the whole mini scoop. So after about 30 minutes I think I had about 8 scoops of ice cream and I think he had about 17!  SO INSANE.  Needless to say that I didnt eat anything else last night and I felt super sick.  Had to walk for about 2 hours before I felt like it was safe to stop moving and that I wasnt going to throw up!  Ugh.  But really good at the same time.

During our walk we found the make way for duckings statue.... its supposedly a big deal.  I'll get back to you on why.

And now it's super late and I need to go to bed.  But more to come I promise. 

xoxo K

Back again!

Welcome to Boston!

I got here a couple of days ago and it's been running running running like a crazy person since then!  San Diego was a whirl wind of a city!

Party because we were only there for a month.  Party because there was so much going on while we were there, partly because I had a car and thus was constantly running around in it.  It made me miss having a car and made me so thankful that I have spent most of my adult life in cities where I don't need a car at the same time!

So now I am back on the east coast! We started set up yesterday.  IN the rain.  Pouring pouring rain.  I have pretty good rain gear so I didn't mind too much... However working with your arms up in the rain means rivers flowing down to your armpits.  Which equals a pretty soaked cold girl at the end of the day.

Today, I leave for site in about half an hour and then we put up the big top and start building the set for the show. 

We will be here until August 5th.  So hopefully I will get to travel a bit during that time.  I have a few trips to NY planned to visit some friends etc. 

In other news... I finished my final paper for the course I was doing.  Which means I am waiting to hear on the results but hopefully should all go well, I will have passed with flying colors.  Fingers crossed!!!


One day at a time.  I will write more soon.  Promise.

Until then....

Rabbit coffee from my favorite coffee shop in HK, or one of them.  AMAZING!  How can you be sad when your coffee greets you like this?

xoxo

Another month another day

I know, it's been yet another month since last I posted... I have not forgotten I have just been super busy. Hopefully things will calm down soon and I will be able to post some news. For now... I went to the desert last week for a few days. Here are some happy snaps. xoxo K

Happy Weekend.

I listen to a lot of music.... I pretty much listen to music all day while I am doing maintaince. So some weeks thats 50 hours of tunes!

I love that there are songs that bring you up, songs that mellow you out, songs that make me want to cry, and songs that make me want to laugh. 

These all make me smile.  No matter what kind of week I have had.  I think this organization is aces.  Seriously amazingly awesome.  And it makes me smile every time.

So I hope, as always you have a smiley weekend. 

Have a good weekend.

xoxo

K

Worrysome worries.

Let's talk about anxiety for a minute....


I read in an article the other day a study that said that scientists have located a gene that determines whether you are a born worrier or not.  What this means in practice is that if you are not a born worrier you have nothing to worry about (though of course you wouldn't be worrying anyway), whereas if you are a worrier by nature there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, so you may as well stop worrying, except of course you can't. 

 Point is... I am.  I have always worried about things, though when I was younger they tended to be about different things then they are now.  But now I worry about things all the time.  I worry about my relationships with people, about my job, my family etc etc...

On one hand... I'm working on it.  I try to not sweat the small stuff as much and let go of more things when I can.  But on the other hand I feel like on some level it's part of what allows me to be good friends with people.  It means that my attention to detail when it comes to friendships is very high because I am generally always concerned with how YOU are feeling.  It also means that I get my heart hurt a lot because I tend to be very open.  But that's ok as well. I just care about my friends.  So when friendships inevitably dissolve or change or whatever…. I always question my involvement in that more than I probably should.  I’m working on not caring quite so much.  See, even writing that sounds bitchy to me.  But I know that I should care less about what people think and sometimes how they feel.  And that I can’t base my actions on theirs…. But that’s something that’s hard for me.

Anyway... I sometimes get frustrated when others make light of my inability to make decisions or my yearning to talk it all out.... “Just make a decision already!” or “I don’t know why you worry about this that or the other,” I know I know I know.  Truth is I don’t know how YOU DON’T.  But I try and brush I off and let it go because it’s easy for them.  Easier anyway…

So, this week has been quite anxiety inducing!  It looks like I will be leaving the circus this summer for real and making a go at it doing something else. 

So I feel like a chapter of my life is ending and I am just not sure yet where the next one will begin.  But I know I'll land on my feet eventually.  The first step is leaving and deciding to take some time to do some things for me. 

So yeah, I have a few months left.  Trying to process and plan.  More to come as it comes.

My last post was a month ago!  Whoops.... sometimes always time slips through my fingers!

Since that last one though here is what you missed:  Settled down in San Jose, trips around the world and back, and new projects and adventures.

San Jose is good.  It seems really quiet which to be honest is kind of a welcome change from the organized chaos that London ended up being.  I had a great time in London but my hours were high work wise and with an hour plus commute each way... to be honest most of the trip is a blur of tube stops and coffee breaks and time spent in the basement of the Royal Albert Hall!

So SJ is fine.  I'll admit, it's slightly boring.... but there are certainly worse places to hang out in for a few months.  Lots of bike riding, lots of running, lots of cooking... So it's been a nice break.  And yes, per usual lots of working.  Always lots of working.  That's a constant!

About 2 weeks ago I made the trip back to Macau and HK.
It was a bit of an adventure to get there, but once in Macau it was super nice to see everyone and hang out.  The weather had been royally poop for the three weeks prior to my arrival and that didn't really change.  Basically living in a cloud were you can't see the building across the street.

So I was in Macau for 4 days and spent the time just catching up with friends and hearing about the end of the show there.  Finding out where everyone was going etc.  Pleased to report that most everyones attitudes were better than I had expected and everyone was pretty upbeat and hopeful about eveything coming up.

Then I spent 4 days in Honkers which was fun as well.  I had a few parties to go to but mostly just people to catch up with.  I was there for St Pattys so we had a fun night out with the Macau crew that came over that surprisingly didn't end that messily (at least for me!)

I had one day completely free with nobody to hang out with and nothing to do so I spent some time in quiet contemplation writing and thinking about if I could make a home there and what kind of life that would be and if that is the city that I want to try and go it alone in.

I feel like I have been such a part of these weird communities for so long... since school at rada really it warps my perception.  RADA was 6 days a week often 12 hours a day for two years and we were so intertwined there.  From there, to NC, to Macau, and now here... I have been working in environments that kind of force your interactions to center around work just by way of the job.  SO the idea of moving to a brand new (kinda new) place where a job is just a job and basically doing it pretty blind, and trying to find a group of friends and community and being ok all alone again.  Is both daunting and exciting.  

My brother tells me not to worry.  That whether I  know it or not, I'm a people person, and that I have friends everywhere I just haven't met them yet.

Anyway, that turned into a bit of a ramble...

Exciting projects starting TONIGHT.... yes.  But still top secret.  More to be revealed soon.  And I promise I will not make you wait a month til next time.

xoxo

K

Transfer complete

When last we spoke I was in London.  I am now back in sunny CA.  And yeah, it's been crazy sunny and hot for FEB!  It doesn't make for incredibly ideal outdoor working conditions to be outside.  A few sunburnt and dehydrated days later, and set up is almost complete.  The tent is up, the stage is built, and most of the props are in.  Good job!

It's hard work though!  Especially for someone who doesn't like packing.  I hate packing, and I hate unpacking.  Remind me why I decided this was a good idea?


But things have been ok.  I feel like I ave been in my head a lot lately.  Which is maybe why I have not been so present here.  I shall do my best to work on that but all is well and I am fine.


xoxo

k

In the end....

A few days ago we found out that ZAiA, the Cirque du Soleil show in Macau, is closing.

For those Zaians reading this, know we are all thinking of you here on Totem and wishing you the best.

The decision was made very quickly and the guys and gals in Macau now find themselves with about 2 weeks to gather up their lives and move on. 

I am a bit heartbroken for all my friends who are suddenly finding themselves jobless.  I know that everyone will find something to do though.  

Macau had it's ups and downs to be sure, but I am absolutely glad that I had a chance to be part of such a unique family for a few years. 

I think looking back at the stories all of can share about living in Macau... if we were to share most of them.  People would think we were lying.  To date I have not been to a more unusual place.  As slummy as it can be there is something quite charming about it as well. And the stories oh the stories.... paying for cabs with magical crystals, riding statues, blind bowling.  And the canoe.... oh the life canoe.  

Most of the people I know who have left all get occasional Macau sickness where we yearn to go back if only for a day or two.  

It's all been said.  It's a shitty situation and I hope that everyone lands on their feet.

On a totally personal selfish front, I am sad because you all will not be closer to HK if that's where I end up.  Was so looking forward to hanging out with that group. 

Love love love to you all. 

xoxox

K

Faking it... not the answer.

So it’s been an interesting week.  We have two more weeks here in the UK which means two more weeks to visit everywhere in London that I love and will not get to see again very soon.  So I think this week will be the week of museums and parks.  And photos.  I’ve been pretty heavily into taking photography again which is a nice change.  I find that when I get into the mood for taking pictures and focus on that I tend to see the world a bit differently.  I frame everything though lenses even if I am not currently looking through one.  I suppose it’s the same with everything, when I am more heavily in a drawing or painting phase I see things more that way, in terms of compositions and lines.


We are headed back to California after this city which will be nice in terms of a weather change.  It’s a bit cold and gray here and I am excited to have some more sunshine and some more colors in my day.  London is great but let’s be honest, London is it’s best in the spring and summertime.  I still do like it here though, perhaps more than most.  The lack of sunshine doesn’t seem to bother me as much as it does my coworkers.  I actually quite like the light quality here.  It’s so far north… and so gray in the winter, that when the sun does shine you get this really interesting sideways slanting light that I actually think is quite moody and nice. 


So yeah, I have had a lot of thoughts and ideas and things floating around my head this week.  There are so many things that I would like to do sometimes it’s hard to decide!  And sometimes I get really overwhelmed thinking about it all!


I have this thing where I get anxiety attacks on a semi regular basis.  I say semi regular… it used to be regular.  But it’s something I am working on.  It’s not s much a control thing.  It’s a letting go thing.  I know that sounds like the same thing right?  But it isn’t… I am fine not being in control but sometimes I am so worried that I will not land on my feet, I find it hard to take that step and let go.  I am not sure where this comes from, I have pretty much always landed on my feet.  And when I haven’t, there have always been pretty awesome people to help me back to my feet.  But I think I have only needed that kind of help maybe twice?


So generally I do well and make it up as I go along.  And it all works out.  I’ve jumped on planes before to go to school randomly or to work in random places and taken chances… and I have never regretted any of them.  Why does this decision make me nervous?  I suppose because for so long I saw this as such an ideal job.  I thought that CDS was for sure the best of the best and exactly what I wanted to do, so the idea of walking away does feel kind of weird.  It’s like an inevitable breakup is around the corner and I feel like I should preserve the relationship even though it just doesn’t fit. 


It’s like dating this larger than life person who (forgive me) perhaps thinks he is a bit more important and a bit cooler than he actually is.  But he really really really wants me to be happy.  And I know that he's a good guy.  So I have been faking it!  But let’s be honest…. Faking it is NEVER a good option is it?  So why should I do it here?


So yeah… that’s about how I feel at the moment and for those of you questioning my reasoning for leaving such a stellar job… there you have it... a lackluster relationship for this hopeless romantic of a girl. 


Til next time!




xoxo


K




PS It's snowing in London.  Snow everywhere and we had a very interesting time trying to get home last night!  Snowy photos and musings to come in the next one. 


PPS thanks for all your comments about what I should do and emails as well!  It made me feel super loved.  Miss you all. Real time!

Future plan poll!!!!

Future Ideas:

As I mentioned I've been thinking about what's next.  Here are some possible ideas... stay with me... they are still loosely in the workings....

1.Trans Siberian Railway -

This is something I have been wanting to do for a while.  To be more specific I would like to do the trans Mongolian railway.  Though my circus travels I have met quite a few people who have given me tips and advice and I think it would be an awesome trip.  When else will I be able to spend a month on a train and take loads and loads of pictures?  And stop in some pretty beautiful places as well!

2. Kayaking -

I've always loved boating.  I've done it since I was a little girl and I used to be pretty good at it.  It's something that makes me very happy.  This trip to Ecuador was really inspiring and enlightening.  It got me thinking that if I tried... If I devoted myself to it... I could spend 4 months, 6 months, 12 months, and get really good at it.  If nothing else it would be an experiment to see how good at it I could be.  I don't want to be in the 'insanely good' category.  But I would like to be a competent and confident class IV boater.  And I think I could make it happen! 

3. Hong Kong

And with this option we move into the teaching part of the plan.  I have just finished my TEFL certificate (teaching English as a foreign language).  And I think this is a pretty viable more long term option.  Also this is the option that allows me to have the things that I am missing currently…. You know… all that MY stuff.  It’s not having THINGS that I think is important… let me make that clear.  It’s having a space that belongs to me and me alone. 

Hong Kong is great because it can be pretty much whatever you want it to be.  You can be surrounded by locals and be the only gweilo in town.  And that evening if you so choose you can go into central and go to any kind of restaurant or bar.  There are islands with amazing seafood, and if you go about an hour north there is great hiking, sea kayaking, and you're the only person for miles. I have a couple of friends there already... and heaps of friends in Macau.  

4. Seoul - 

Same same but different.  Still teaching.  But in Seoul.  I've never been, so it would be someplace new.  But I am not 100% convinced that Korea is the place to be at the moment!  But I do have a few friends here already which is always helpful when moving to a new gig.

5. Osaka -

Again, same same but different.  One big difference about Osaka is that I don't know anyone there.  I've visited.. briefly.  And I am told that it's a pretty beautiful place or that it can be... but this one is for sure a little bit of a shot in the dark!!

6. Keep working for the circus.

At this point maybe not an option.  And certainly not one that I am leaping at presently.  But yeah... what do you think.  It's a good job, and steady, and with benefits. 

So there are some of the life choices I have been thinking about as of late.  As I have been telling people about these ideas in real life they have generally expressed some interest and 'voted' one way or another.

SO here is a poll for you.  Place your votes.  Don't worry I won't base any decisions on the outcome!  :) Just for giggles!  

No matter what... it's exciting right!!

What's up Monday??

Hi kids.  Let’s talk for a minute, I feel like maybe I have been a bit evasive about what I have been thinking and up to as of late.  So how about a real and honest for goodness catch up?

As most of you know for the past three months I have been touring with Totem, a Cirque du Soleil show.  We are currently in London.  I picked up the tour in San Francisco. 

It was and wasn’t a big decision to make the move to this tour.  You know me, incredibly vague.  Nah, I just mean that I was ready to leave Macau and see something new.  So while it was a big change and a big step, it was a little bit of a no brainer at the same time.

That being said, things have not been as awesome here as I would have hoped.  I don’t know exactly what it is… it’s just not me.  And I am not super passionate about my job.  And if I am going to spend 50 hours a week doing anything I feel like I should be passionate about it. 

So… it’s time to make plans again!  I know so soon!  It seems like just yesterday I was planning to come HERE right?  And I am not going anywhere for 3 months but in 3 months my contract is up, and I will need to make a decision.  So that’s what I have been trying to work on lately, the ability to make that decision which requires me to have options, and to plan them out a little bit…

I don’t know that I want to leave the circus forever.  But I think that at the present moment, somewhere there is a better place for me.  It has surprised me how much I have missed and craved having a space that is mine.  A physical space.  To have my bed, my couch, my pillows, my art, hanging from my wall.  How needy does that sound>???  My my my… but it turns out that is super important to me.  So yeah…. Tomorrow… Options. 

Happy Snaps!!  Fun with clown noses!

Copenhagentown

Here I am, as promised! 

So last week I had a few days off so I went to Copenhagen!  I have a friend working there so I thought we could hang out and while he was working I could explore a bit.  I was warned that I could walk around the whole town and see everything in 4 hours.  I stretched it a bit more than that, but it's pretty small!

I would love to visit in the summertime.  It was a bit cold for me!!  Here are some photos from the trip though:

The light quality was pretty lovely... when it was light that is!   It gets dark at about 4pm and then it got really cold!  Well really cold for a FLorida girl!  -5C?! 

But I had a good time and got to hang out and relax and catch up so it was great.

In other news... I am mega behind in my coursework!  So that's what I am going to do now.  I am super excited about upcoming news and things... I think I can let you know some secrets in about a week?

In the meantime.... I am cold in London drinking far too much coffee, sleeping too few hours, and working too much (13 hours yesterday!!).  Gotta run to Tesco's now for supplies.

xoxo

K