Monday, April 2, 2012

Worrysome worries.

Let's talk about anxiety for a minute....

I read in an article the other day a study that said that scientists have located a gene that determines whether you are a born worrier or not.  What this means in practice is that if you are not a born worrier you have nothing to worry about (though of course you wouldn't be worrying anyway), whereas if you are a worrier by nature there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, so you may as well stop worrying, except of course you can't. 

 Point is... I am.  I have always worried about things, though when I was younger they tended to be about different things then they are now.  But now I worry about things all the time.  I worry about my relationships with people, about my job, my family etc etc...

On one hand... I'm working on it.  I try to not sweat the small stuff as much and let go of more things when I can.  But on the other hand I feel like on some level it's part of what allows me to be good friends with people.  It means that my attention to detail when it comes to friendships is very high because I am generally always concerned with how YOU are feeling.  It also means that I get my heart hurt a lot because I tend to be very open.  But that's ok as well. I just care about my friends.  So when friendships inevitably dissolve or change or whatever…. I always question my involvement in that more than I probably should.  I’m working on not caring quite so much.  See, even writing that sounds bitchy to me.  But I know that I should care less about what people think and sometimes how they feel.  And that I can’t base my actions on theirs…. But that’s something that’s hard for me.

Anyway... I sometimes get frustrated when others make light of my inability to make decisions or my yearning to talk it all out.... “Just make a decision already!” or “I don’t know why you worry about this that or the other,” I know I know I know.  Truth is I don’t know how YOU DON’T.  But I try and brush I off and let it go because it’s easy for them.  Easier anyway…

So, this week has been quite anxiety inducing!  It looks like I will be leaving the circus this summer for real and making a go at it doing something else. 

So I feel like a chapter of my life is ending and I am just not sure yet where the next one will begin.  But I know I'll land on my feet eventually.  The first step is leaving and deciding to take some time to do some things for me. 

So yeah, I have a few months left.  Trying to process and plan.  More to come as it comes.


  1. Hey babe. It's true, you think too much about other people sometimes and let that guide your feelings instead of your own thoughts. But at the same time don't ever doubt that you are good people. Totally one of the goodies not a baddie! I think it's good if you leave for a bit and have some alone adventure time. You can ALWAYS come back to vegas or back to regional theater. Try this while you are still young.

  2. If you've seen my blog posts about anxiety, you'll know that we're pretty similar (all anxiety people are, i know) and i am a born worrier too. But the part about not being able to change that is not true! I've made so much progress through therapy and educating myself on the subject, and while i'll never be 100% free of anxiety (which i am fine with, btw), i have taught myself to worry less, and therefore minimize anticipatory anxiety.
    I know you travel, so seeing a therapist is probably not an option right now, but there are some great books you could read on how to stop negative automatic thoughts, and just coping with anxiety in general. My mantra when i start to worry is "be here now". Sounds cheesy, but i repeat that until i am back in the now, able to enjoy it instead of living with one foot in the future and panicking about it.
    I don't know if any of this made sense, i just got home from work and i'm a little tired!
    Anyway, being an anxiety person is not always a bad thing, cause like you said, it makes us care more, and i wouldn't wanna be less empathic or caring!

  3. Thanks you two.

    I feel much the same. And if you have good book recommendations I would love to hear them!

    When I think about the statement there isn't anything you can do about it... That's ok for me I guess. What I mean is that statement is as you said, the realization that I will never be anxiety free... it's learning how to manage that and when to recognize that it's that talking instead of me... if that makes sense.

    For example I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about this whole departure stuff and I was voicing the concern of moving somewhere like Hong Kong because I worry about starting a life and making friends. What, he said, making friends? 1. you already have friends there and 2. have you ever lived somewhere where you haven't made friends?


    and that... is just anxiety talking.

    I'm tired and need to go home. But yes, if anyone has suggested reading for this class called Life. I'm always thankful.

  4. Typical you.

    You don't worry about cutting your paycheck in half.

    You don't worry about leaving the career you have been working for since you started this whole thing.

    You don't worry about moving so far away from us and your fam... again!

    You worry about making friends. And you are one of the most likable people who I know in this world!!!

    Oh shit... did I just make you worry about that other stuff? Because you don't need the money or the job and your mom can just figure out how to use skype!